Lets Start Here

A New Path

Over the past few weeks I’ve started to create things that I assumed would fulfill a sense of purpose and identity.

I began by taking out a sketchbook and drawing random shapes and letters in the hopes that I could create a cool logo of sorts. I wanted the logo to be apart of a clothing brand vision that I spontaneously became interested by.

Before this, before the pencil and paper drawings, I had a vision of creating a website, one capable of holding blog content produced by myself. I thought it would be beneficial to show people my skills in writing and how I can apply it to many facets of life, proving I can be a functioning member of society. It would also showcase my drive and able motivation towards the exploration of my creative mind.

In some areas of that rehash, I notice that I am lying to myself. Starting a website and designing logos and clothes becomes an incredibly hard accomplishment to someone with low motivation for most things. I live a life that seems like it has all the right pieces, but I still experience it with a shade of melancholy. Even saying that statement makes me cringe, because in reality I am not someone who deserves the luxury of sadness relative to the lives experienced by others. I think my bleak attitude comes from my want to be apart of something, a way of both life and work that I can feel comfortable in. This has been difficult for a few reasons.

What I Have

Many aspects of my upbringing point towards delays in my life experience. I suffer a great bit from social anxiety, and haven’t exactly polished my skills in communicating with strangers professionally. These things are fixable in my mind, I’ve certainly made strides in the ability to connect with others.

I live with three roommates who I go to school with. They all contribute something different and equally important to the groups core being. I know this because I know each of them very deeply. I’ve been able to see them through talks and experiences we’ve had together. The ability to see them, and the ability for them to see me, is infinitely powerful and important to me. And if I know I can do it with these fools, I can certainly work towards strengthening other connections as well.

I have a loving family too. A mom, a dad, step-parents, a sister, grandparents, and who knows how many cousins. They are all part of me, and I am part of them. Something I’ve failed to do recently is reaching out to my family members, simply getting the chance to talk to them and let them tell me their stories. I guess it’s still an issue of motivation, or maybe it’s the fear of another social situation.

The Goal

What I aim to do with this website and the content within it, is to produce an adequate amount of self exploration that shows proof towards my ability to belong to something. I want to create logos and opinion-driven blog posts (the fun side) but also perhaps explore other areas of my identity that I have always feared to walk towards (the introspective side).

I want this to be an escape from my own mind and my own self, in the hopes that it will help me find who I truly am. Because at this current point in time I struggle to define myself. I struggle to tell stories to others verbally. I still struggle to understand what I am good at.

By going outward I am displacing my mind from my being and letting them both understand each other. By fixating my mind on writing and graphic design and other things, I am giving it a break from sorely attempting to understand my being.

Because I truly believe that once my mind understands itself, then it can truly be at peace with who I am, and a sense of purpose and identity will naturally sprout.

If all of that doesn’t end up working. Well, at least I still have an unbreakable support system around me.